Dear Awkward Advice,
There’s this guy in my history class who totally won’t leave me alone. On the first day of class, I came into class a bit late, and the only empty seat was next to him. So, I sat down and made polite chit-chat about something innocuous, like the weather, and now he thinks I like him. I definitely don’t. I was not trying to flirt. I was just trying to be nice and make it through the class. I’ve tried to tell him that I wasn’t interested in him, but I don’t think he gets it. How can I shake this guy?
Truly,
Tryin’ to be Nice in Shriner
Dear Tryin’,
First of all, we can tell by your playful removal of the final “g” in that word, that you are just too likeable. This needs to stop immediately! If you really don’t want this guy to keep chasing after you, you will have to become the craziest, most undesirable person possible. Stop showering. Write notes displaying your strange, elaborate plans to contact alien visitors and perform scientific experiments on them. Be sure to draw a detailed diagram of your probe. Wear kitten sweaters every day. I don’t mean a sweater with screen printed kittens on it. I mean you should literally start tying baby cats to crew neck sweaters. Six kittens per sweater should be enough, depending on the size of each kitten, of course. We’ll leave that up to your discretion. After a week or two of sitting next to him in your cat sweater, smelling of urine, (which will totally happen if you fasten kittens to your body, sorry, but it needs to happen if this plan is to work) and planning a pseudo-sexual rendezvous with some Na’avi, he will forget all about his little crush. Or, he will be even more attracted to you. In that case, jump him immediately. If he can put up with that, he will accept any and all of your eccentricities. A man like that is definitely a keeper.
Yours,
AA
Dear Awkward Advice,
I’ve really been hitting it off with this girl in my history class. I think she’s really into me. On the first day of class she spotted me from across the room and sat directly beside me. We talked for like fifteen minutes straight. We talked about the weather being unusually warm for February. She was totally flirting, right? I mean, what else could she mean when she said, “Yeah, I’m ready for spring to come here to stay,” if she didn’t mean the she’s ready for me to come over and spend the night with her? I think we really have something here. I’d like to take it to the next level, but she keeps putting off making plans with me and dodging my calls and texts. Do you think she’s playing hard to get?
Truly,
Confused in Coblentz
Dear Confused,
She’s most certainly playing hard to get. Keep chasing after her, the ladies love that. Try to find some common interests with her so that you have more to talk about. Start wearing clothes that will spark up a conversation. For instance, we’ve heard in last month’s German Vogue, they highlighted a really hot trend. Kitten sweaters. Try fastening kittens to your hoodie. Ladies love cats. You will be irresistible. Also, with all of those pheromones emanating off the cats, she’ll be drawn to you like a moth to a flame. I guarantee that after a few days, you won’t have just caught her attention, but you will be beating the ladies away with a stick! Or, if not, you can use the stick to keep the kittens in line. They tend to get angry when you tie them to articles of clothing. Trust us, we learned that the hard way. Though the play on words is almost too good to resist, Pussy Panties™ are definitely not the goldmine investment that we thought they would be.
Yours,
AA
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