Awkward Advice from Stacey and Cassie

By Stacey Axler and Cassie Schaeffer

Dear Awkward Advice,

I’m having a problem and I don’t know where else to turn.  A few months ago, I entered into this relationship with an amazing girl.  She is great! We get along so well when we are together and when we go on dates.  Unfortunately, when we are alone together, I feel unsatisfied with our “intimate” relationship. How can I get my girlfriend to trust me and enhance our physical relationship?

-Relationship on the Rocks

This is a common problem in most college relationships. A physical component is vital to any relationship, and the important thing to remember is to always set the mood.  No one wants intimacy when the mood in the room is not right.  Step by step, here is what to do in order to set the mood: 1) Watch a cute movie!  The movie Cats, is always perfect to set an intimate mood.  Who doesn’t love people dancing around in cat costumes? 2) Play soothing, beautiful music, like “Ode to Joy” of The Lord of the Rings theme.  What inspirational symphonies! Finally…get rid of polyester products.  Nothing says “I want intimacy less than I want a ten-hour root canal” than having polyester sheets or linens.  Just, just don’t do it.  At the end of the evening, just be yourself, and remember (in the immortal words of Spongebob) “it’s all about finger strength, baby.”

Dear Awkward Advice,

Hi!  My hair looks a lot like Ellen DeGeneres’.  She is a really funny lady, and if I was 50 I would be thrilled to look like her, but I want something new.  What should I do?

-Hair problem at Hood

Ellen DeGeneres is great, but everyone goes through a phase where they want to change their look.  Instead of getting rid of the awesome hair, you just need to distract people from your hair.  Thus, change other parts of your look!  Accessories can help.  Now that Sillybands have gone to the “out” list, experiment with other jewelry, scarves, and handbags.  Also, stand out from the crowd!  Lady Gaga experimented with the caution tape dress and the meat dress.  Project Runway featured the corn husk dress.  Try out a wide variety of unique looks!  You could also get a hat.  Fedoras are now back in high fashion (thank goodness)!

Dear Awkward Advice,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while, and the other day, he told me he loved me. I’m not sure I feel the same way. What do I do?

 -Commitmentphobe in Coblentz

Dear Commitmentphobe,

The best defense is always a good offense. The first day that you started dating, you should have started pretending that you had narcolepsy. Every time that the question comes up, you can just “fall asleep!” Easy peasy. To explain it, you can just tell your guy that your narcolepsy acts up every time you get overcome by intense emotion. Problem solved! He’ll feel good about himself, and eventually he’ll be satisfied by your “overwhelming emotional reaction” and stop expecting you to reply back.

Love, kisses, razzle, dazzle, and pixie dust,

AA