Awkward Advice

Dear Awkward Advice,

I met this girl at a party and I got her digits. I was totally excited when I found out that there were seven of them this time and even more excited when she started to text me back. It was really fun at first, but she started to send me some messages that are pretty “Teen Nick”, and now I think we have to get married. I’m not really ready to take that step, but I don’t want to stop talking to her. Is there anything I can do?

Thanks,

Scared Sextless

Dear Sextless,

We’d like to give you the same advice that Ranier Maria Rilke gave Franz Kappus, a young cadet at the ViennaMilitaryAcademyin Letters to a Young Poet: “If you don’t dig those whack sexts, don’t feel like you need to send pictures of your dangle to keep yo girl on the line. That’s not good looks.” Though the language might be a bit stilted, we believe the message stands up today. If you don’t feel comfortable responding to those dirty messages, don’t do it. You don’t need to copy and paste sections of 50 Shades of Grey for this girl to be interested in you. Well, unless your personality sucks. In that case, you can get a copy in paperback for about $10.00 at a bookseller near you.

Truly,

AA

 

Dear Awkward Advice,

This weather is nuts. It’s sweater weather in the morning, but by noon when I’m out of class, I’m sweating through my cardigan. Do you have any advice for how to cope with this unpredictable weather?

Thanks,

Punxatawney Phail

Dear Punx,

The weather has been wildly unpredictable, but there are some simple steps to transition from the chilly morning into the toasty afternoons. First, invest in zip-offs. We’re not talking about only those pants that zip off into shorts. To deal with the wild changes in temperature, you’re going to need zip off shirts and underwear as well. Start the day off in pants, long sleeves, granny panties, and a cami. When the sun starts beaming down, you’re just four zips away from wearing a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, bra, and thong. You’re on your way to having fun in the sun. However, there is always the trouble of unwanted sweating regardless of how many changes you make to your wardrobe. In order to prevent that embarrassing course of events, Again, zip offs can come in handy. Simply add zippable patches strategically in your shirt, under your arms. When the days starts to heat up, just unzip the patches. Now, no one will be able to see your secret sweaty shame.

Truly,

AA