Dear Awkward Advice,
I have a problem. For a long time, I’ve been struggling with this issue in private, trying to make it not true, but I can’t hold it in any longer. I’m a sleepwalker. I have been bearing this burden in silence, trying to hide the fact that I would wake up in strange locations, often in various states of dress. But, I can’t hide it any longer. (Partly because I’m tired of living a lie and partly because my roommate caught me walking around the room clucking like a chicken wearing only a kimono. On my head.) Please help me Awkward Advice, you’re my only hope.
Truly,
Sleepless in Shriner
Dear Sleepless,
There is hope for you and thousands suffering from the same issue. You are not alone. In fact, I would suggest proposing an LLC to Student Life for people in your situation. It would be good for you to be in a community of like-sleeping individuals where you can communicate and really discuss your problems. Also, whenever you embark upon your nocturnal outings, you’ll have plenty of company to interact with as you cha-cha and chicken dance your way through your REM cycle. In the meantime, I suggest you let your roommate strap you down whenever it comes time to sleep. This solution can actually be beneficial in two-fold. Hey Lovestruck, you could use those restraints to make your Valentine’s night extra steamy!
Yours,
AA
Dear Awkward Advice,
My roommate keeps walking in on me while I’m having my “gentleman’s time.” It wouldn’t mind so much, but he doesn’t even knock before coming into the room, so I don’t have time to pretend I was sleeping or remove the belt from my neck. I just want some privacy! Is that too much to ask? What should I do?
Truly,
Low-fivin’ in Meyran
Dear Low-Five,
This is a problem that plagues many college students. Do not feel like you are the only one who’s been caught wrestling the one-eyed monster. It’s a very natural thing. Everybody does it. Well, almost everybody. All the cool kids anyway. There are a few preventative measures that you can take to make sure that your roommate will never suspect a thing. As you may have noticed, 85% of our advice has come solely from watching John Hughes movies. That being said, clearly you must buy an old Macintosh computer and rig it to a soundboard, and you can then create myriad sound effect compilations to simulate any situation that you would like your roommate to believe is going on in the room. So, he’ll walk in seeing you looking guilty with your right hand beneath the sheets, but he’ll hear a saxophone solo. So, clearly he will think you’re practicing your Kenny G impersonation. Awkward moment averted, problem solved, homage to brilliant Matthew Broderick vehicle executed successfully.
Yours,
AA
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